As my first blog indicated, I fractured my ankle a few weeks ago. I am the bread-winner of my household. It is my job to ensure my family has food, protection, shelter, financial well-being, and connectedness. Since fracturing my ankle, I have found myself feeling pangs of guilt because I am unable to consistently provide for my family. There are those who would say “Why do you feel guilty? You did not do this on purpose, or did you?” No…. I ABSOLUTELY did NOT do this on purpose. I feel guilty because my love for my family informs me that I need to ensure their needs are met – PERIOD.
I think of my role in my family as being God’s representative for my family on earth. However, I am a human, and this fracture has reminded me just HOW human I am. I want my family to have everything they need to be successful in life – successful in achieving all that God wants them to be. This last three weeks have been eye-opening. I can only do what God enables me to do. The love that I strive to demonstrate to my family is the love that I believe God demonstrates to and through me. LOVE? You say, “You fractured your ankle, and you think that God loves you?” Yeah…. Even I struggle with that one at times. But I do believe that God does allow some TRULY unusual things to happen. At the same time, I FULLY believe that God loves us. He allows us to experience things – pain, death, loss – that hurt beyond measure. And yet, in the midst of allowing us to experience such challenges, He is right there with us. He feels, He even shares, our pain, but He does not always take us OUT of our pains.
I am in the midst of sharing in my daughter’s preparations for graduation from High School and to the next stage in her life. I see her struggling through pains and part of me wants to take the pains away. However, if I take the pains away, she will not learn from the experience. Not only will SHE not learn from these pains, but others around us would miss out on lessons and other opportunities as well. I have watched her go through some of the pains and have been proud to be her father. She has grown by leaps and bounds. It has almost scared me to see her grow SO fast.
Love is not always shielding those we care about from pains. Sometimes it is allowing them to find their way THROUGH pain so they find their way TO a stronger, more courageous, more loving self. I don’t know how long it will be for me to find my way through my current pains. Truthfully, I don’t know IF I will find my way through the pains to continue to live in this world. However, I trust that, wherever I find myself, I will find a stronger, more courageous, and more loving me.
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